Sunday, April 11, 2010

deep thoughts on a sunday afternoon

Well, it was a helleva week. Daughter turned sixteen, and I was slapped with the harsh reality that I am not getting any younger. Worse, that my full-time job as 'Mom' is going to change drastically.

But back to the beginning. I originally started this ‘Sweet Sixteen’ extravaganza with a family dinner for 13 for Selby’s big day ON her big day. Because her big day was on a weekday it meant that anything super fun I wanted to do would have to wait for the weekend. So, the birthday extravaganza literally started in the middle of the week, and continued until the late morning of Sunday, today.

For the last 5 days we have been eating ridiculously good food, spending a ridiculous amount of money and enjoying each other, whoever that each other may be, immensely. Wednesday was the full fam, Friday was part of the fam, Saturday and Sunday was the friends and did not quit.

But now, Sunday evening, I am alone and tired and full of good food and a perhaps a titch too much wine and I am navel gazing. My daughter will be in university in a couple years. My role as the protector of this tiny human will be cut down to a microscopic level. Although I am absolutely sure she will always need me, it is in the way she will need me and the intensity that she will require a mothers protection that will turn into being only a fraction of what we, as mothers, have been providing during our children’s lives.

So, what to do? I am in a new relationship. One that I am sad to say has an equal amount of fighting as it does loving. So ultimately it is not a sure thing. And with the slow removal slash replacement of being the pivotal person in my daughters life, I have been relegated to a character in her screenplay as opposed to she being a character, albeit the most important one, in mine.

Again, what to do? Is this what is called a mid-life crisis? Or is this simply a rite of passage that most women face? I would suggest that if it were the latter, then most would face this difficult period of their lives with either their own mother, or a strong and absolute life partner. Right now I feel I have neither.

I have no way of turning this post around to neatly tie up with the initial thought or proposal. I simply must end it with an ‘I’ll figure it out’ and go from there.

It’s tough not being the most important person in your child’s life...and harder to let them go. But worse is to have spent your life so wrapped up in focusing on giving your child all the tools she or he will need to be a socially progressive person in this world, one may have forgotten her own identity.

One thing I can count on is that as long as I blog, I have a good dozen or so people that are backing me for sure. This will be a rough next few years ducklings...I thank you for coming along for the ride.


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