Thursday, July 2, 2009

Crazy attention issues and knitting

I have a lovely woman in my life who cleans my house and does my laundry and de-sticks stuff that has been stuck to the floor. She makes my dust bunnies go hopping away and pretty much does all the tedious jobs that I just can not get to in my day. Yes I have house-help, and frankly, if it means that I go out for dinner once or twice less a month, then I am better for it. Karen is sweet and wonderful and really quite kind, but manoman can she talk.

Karen is our twice-a-month Major Domo and is, I honestly believe, an adult with serious attention deficit issues. I mean she is seriously ALL OVER THA PLACE when in conversation. She tells the best stories, lots of great stories...lot's of stories. But you know what? I am okay with it because she cleans my space.

Anyway, Karen noticed my knitting one day and began to tell me a story about how she herself had been interested in learning how to knit. She visited the local 'big box yarn place' and signed up for a lesson, as apparently they were making little baby sweaters. Karen thought this would be good since baby's are small so their sweaters will be small and that is something she is interested in trying; something knitted, something small. She did know that she had no clue what she was getting into.

On the evening of the 'baby sweater course' she was handed some super fine baby wool, and a pair of 2.75 mm needles. The pattern she was given was for a beginner to intermediate knitter and after being shown how to cast on, was pretty much left on her own.

Now...I told you Karen has like an attention disorder right? After about a good half hour of knitting Karen had about 4 rows completed and the vein that had made its debut on her forehead was just about ready to explode. The other knitters in the class were well on their way to a sweet soft baby set...Karen needed to re-cast for the 8th time. The course was pretty much a disaster. Karen was completely disheartened.

Do you know what this meant? This meant that I got a present of a nice little stash of wool, a set of needles, and a cute pattern for a baby set left on my butchers block after Karen came to the house the next day. She was completely disgusted with the craft, and disappointed with herself. The class did her no good whatsoever and frankly, she didn't give a crap if she ever picked up needles again. I got my panties in a bunch because what was done to her as a beginner was completely unfair...and we are NOT going to lose a potential knitter.

And because I refuse to let her be thusly discouraged so I am posting my own, my very first, original recipe here. That's right, I am making a really (which I always call recipes 'cause I can never remember the word 'pattern') that I am going to post. I call it my 'Yarn Newbie' recipe. This is super simple, super fast for those who need almost-instant-gratification. Remember ducklings, this is my first attempt so please let me know of any fixes!

Yarn Newbie Gauntlets

What you need:

100g/3.5 oz Bernat Softee Chunky (I used Pale Antique Rose cause I like pink damn it)
10Us/6mm needles - I used 9" bamboos cause I love me some wood
Yarn embroidery needle

What you need to know:

Knit, Purl, Mattress stitch (don't fret, I got a link to help with that), how to pour yourself a glass of wine (always a prerequisite for every recipe I shall post)

Getting started:

Measure your arm from the middle of your forearm to the bottom of your thumb. On me it's about 5 inches. Then measure from the crook of your thumb (okay or the bottom or whatever the hell y'all want to call it) to the middle knuckle of your middle finger. That's right, the one you use to express your displeasure to fellow drivers of autos on the highway. Again, for me it's about 3 inches. Add it all up and you get your total. I will end up knitting 8 inches, or 9, whatever, this is free and easy. You only have to lay it across your arm the first time to get where you need to leave the thumb hole so. See? Easy peasy!

Let's get going!

Using the long tail cast on method, cast on 34 stitches.

Row 1 - Knit 2, purl 2 to end of row.

Row 2 - Purl 2, knit 2 till end of row. Swirl and take a sip of wine.

Knit until you got your grand total in length. I decided on 9 inches so that it stays nicely under my sleeve in the cold months here in the great white north.

Bind off.

Fold the gauntlet in half length-wise. Using a Mattress Stitch knit from the bottom of the gauntlet to your first measurement which would be the bottom of your thumb (5 inches or so). Leave the inch and a half opening for the thumb, and then sew up to the top.

There you have it! One gauntlet glove! Now cast on again and make the other one. Ridiculously easy, ridiculously fast. This should work quite well for those of us who may or may not have a little bit of an attention or 'instant gratification' issue. Now go on Karen, grab some chunky wool and some big fat needles and knit with your bad ole self!


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