So...I am shutting down my pity party. It doesn't make sense to wallow day after day. It doesn't make sense to compare my fight and my journey with anyone else's. And it certainly doesn't make any sense whatsoever to beat myself up about NOT doing stuff because I am tired. 'Cause I am freaking tired.
It does make sense to stop laying down and acting dead when I'm not...nor am I going to be for a long time. I don't know what happened though. I am always up for a fight. Adam can certainly attest to that. I think it just might have been that in order for people to try to be supportive, I wasn't really given the information as to how bad it can BE. And if I feel its this bad....how bad will it GET?
Well, by all accounts I am in the thick of it. And I am living through it. I am fighting and I am going to win this. More than that is this plateau I have reached: I both don't want to, nor do I NEED to talk about this all the time. I think the psychology behind the wallow is to own it and realize it fully. I get that. But at some point it became exhausting.
Then I realized my biggest problem.
I have been beating myself up because of cancer and because perhaps I fight a little too much with Adam and because I am mourning not being at my awesome job, and because of a thousand other reasons which is when it hit me - I have forgotten what it's like to be 'Tina in Repose'. I don't know HOW to relax. I have forgotten the sheer joy of getting completely obsessive compulsive about doing leisure activities and chilling my shit down. I forgot how to just BE in the universe.
Now the constant emotional and intellectual flailing makes sense.
So. Here I am having to remind myself how to be patient and kind to myself. I have to remember what leisure activities make me happy. Plus I am told that more meditation is probably a good thing too. I am off to find out what makes a slightly addled brain excited. I think quick activities are probably best with a slight inability to focus right now. Any suggestions are welcomed.
Oh, and I have found out one universal truth - Pinterest is the devil. Just sayin'.